The Brady Bunch
An Essay

“The Brady Bunch,” the 1970s sitcom featuring an ideal, suburban family of eight (nine if you count Alice, the witty and blue-apron-donned maid), captivated American audiences throughout its tenure in our living rooms.  But now, the image of America has changed drastically.  What would a script of “The Brady Bunch” today match that of its thirty-year-old counterpart, or would it read as a “According to Jim” or “Still Standing” episode?

In the sitcom’s storylines, developed by renowned producer Sherwood Schwartz, “The Brady Bunch” attempted to convey the message that all family can “work through” their problems and quarrels.  But I have words of wisdom for all you gullible households out there…that is simply not the case.  Imagine yourself in a living room, with hardwood oak-stained floors and leather furniture, a television blaring, teenagers on the floor reading or text messaging, forty-some year-olds sprawled out on the couch, all of them feuding and cussing at every word from another’s mouth…and THAT would be my family.  There are countless “buttons to be pressed” and “bones to be picked” that this dysfunctional foursome would NEVER even come close to the mellowness of “The Brady Bunch,” no matter how many psychologists came knocking at our door.  

In a memorable episode, Jan Brady, the middle daughter of the family, grows impatient of Marcia (the eldest) and her constant overshadowing of her younger sister.  Therefore, Jan goes to a party in a repulsive black, curly wig (I mean seriously…it looked as if the hair on the floor of a barber shop were piled up and glued haphazardly together).  The partygoers laugh hysterically, Jan pouts and goes home, but with five minutes left of the suspenseful, on-the-edge-of-your-seat situation comedy, Jan’s friends help her to realize that beauty comes from “the inside” and that she would be the star of the party should she return (it’s not even her party…).  How outrageous?  Would any sane ugly person in the world today buy a wig?  The answer to that is NO.  They would get plastic surgery or cut themselves.  Moving on…

Another episode involves Greg smoking to “be cool.”  He has one cigarette in the school courtyard, is discovered by his youngest siblings and reported to the saviors of the world, Mike and Carol Brady.  Fist of all, no teenager ever has only ONE cigarette.  Parents of those who do smoke are so uninvolved with their children’s lives that the children or convict is blameless.  Progressing through the seasons, Bobby plays on the football team and really sucks…but no worries, some 1970’s quarterback superstars shows up at his backyard and teaches him to throw the perfect spiral.  Peter loses his voice, Marcia gets hit in the nose, Peter coins the phrase “pork chops and apple sauce,” and I could go on about the superficial plots of “The Brady Bunch.”